It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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