I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
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Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
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if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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