i already hear my dad disowning me
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize