She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
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I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
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I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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