I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize