I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
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Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
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