TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
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Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
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I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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