My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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