i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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