I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
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I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
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You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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