oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
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Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
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Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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