If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
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They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
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If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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