He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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