found the other keg... it's in the tree
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
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I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
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She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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