guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
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I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
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You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I'm bleeding and have questions
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