Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
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Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
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I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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