apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
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I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
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She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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