do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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