just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
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