I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
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I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
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Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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