Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
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Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
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but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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