I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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