we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
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I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
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Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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