I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
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He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
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We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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