Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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