Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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