did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
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you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Rumble strips road head = magical
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
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Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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