My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
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