I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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