Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
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It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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