He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
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...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
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It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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