My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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