i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize