3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
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Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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