I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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