I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
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He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
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American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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