R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
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We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
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That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize