I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
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I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
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The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
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