I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
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Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
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Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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