Farmville is her only friend.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
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It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
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But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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