two words: eviction party
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
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Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
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I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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