You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
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Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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