A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
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She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
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whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize