I think my fart just growled at me.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
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Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize