I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
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I drank myself into bisexuality again.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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