Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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