gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize