Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
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As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
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You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
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