I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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