I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
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stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
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I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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